Just hop on Reddit for a few minutes, and you’ll see the flurry of threads that depict Millennials’ and Gen Xers’ disapproval of their parents’ relationship with their smartphones. Younger generations are confounded—they’re booming with questions about why their baby boomer parents struggle to keep their device use in check, especially in face-to-face social settings.
Paired with this phenomenon is their concern that baby boomers’ lack of boundary-setting around tech is impairing their family relationships and, specifically, their ability to connect to and influence their grandchildren.
We often think the grandparents will judge the children for how they are handling tech in their homes, but a Washington Post article acknowledges that the opposite is also true at times.
“There is another demographic struggling with putting down their devices: Baby boomers,” the article says. “Smartphones came into their lives late, but they were quickly won over. Now some of their children say they are hooked, staring at their screens constantly”
Similarly, a Forbes article suggests that Boomers struggle just as much with screen usage—and are just as prone to addiction—as their younger counterparts.
Why the struggle
There are many theories on why boomers may adjust less healthfully regarding the ever-changing landscape of tech influence in our lives.
First, the changing technology is more novel to older generations. They didn’t grow up with their brains constantly adjusting to new digital stimuli. Therefore, they need more intentionality to develop the skills to fight its power. When you add in potential loneliness, increased downtime, and the desire to connect with their loved ones, the pull of the phone’s dopamine hit can be hard to resist.
Furthermore, on average, it takes boomers more time to perform the same digital tasks as younger generations. More time equals more exposure to their phones’ buzzing noises and flashing lights, possibly reeling them in even more.
Other articles suggested that since some grandparents struggle to keep up with their grandchildren physically, they resort to things like watching YouTube together, which helps them connect without pushing their limits physically.
Or get this: some boomers may fear being pushed out by younger generations in the workforce. As such, they keep their media and industry news close at hand to stay in control and in the know—perhaps one reason a 2016 Nielsen survey found that over half of boomers reported that mealtimes were not technology-free.
Beyond all this, members of the older generation may just be a little tired after all the ways they’ve shown up for the world. Scrolling on the phone is easier in the moment, even though it is not always better.
What we can do
So, what can we do if this all sounds familiar? How can we approach the conversation if we’d like to see our parents implement better boundaries around their tech when they are in our or our children’s presence?
We can be brave and get honest with them. Skip the passive-aggressive comments or trying to slip little hints. Your parents may be unaware that their relationship with tech negatively impacts their face-to-face interactions with their families.
Just think: They never had parents or teachers helping them navigate healthy screen boundaries. This kind of tech didn’t exist in their formative years.
They may not have adjusted smoothly to the digital age for good reason. A quick Google search will show you that the decreased neuroplasticity in older adulthood “can potentially lead to developing new bad habits because it reduces the brain’s ability to adapt and form new neural pathways.” The good news is that neuroplasticity can be improved when a person intentionally challenges their brain toward new skills.
Grandparents want to “screen well” with your children
When it comes to watching your children, many grandparents are frustrated with the gap in their knowledge of the technology their grandchildren are using while in their care. But they want to show up well. And raising children in a multi-generational setting has multifaceted benefits for all involved.
Research shows that the mental health and wellbeing of a child significantly increases when that child has five or more trusted adults in their lives. And participating in the care of younger generations can even help prevent dementia in older adults. Finally, the middle generation benefits from having a village to help raise their children.
My mother, Sue, is employed as a SAHG (stay-at-home grandma), watching my nieces and nephews full-time while my sister and her husband work during the day. I interviewed her to see what she had to say about her experience with grandparenting in the digital age—with all her grandkids, including my own children. Here’s what my mom had to say:
An Interview with a Grandma
Jenna: What makes digital grandparenting hard?
Sue: At a young age, your grandchildren already know more than you know. Navigating technology on phones and computers has been a challenge. Even TV. You guys have different ways of accessing television than we do. We had cable; you guys have streaming. Even just getting to Disney+ to access a show can be challenging. I’ve now figured it out, but the child has had to show me, “ok, this is how you get to x, y, z.”
J: How do you handle it when a grandchild disobeys a tech rule you or their parents have set?
S: Currently, one of them will get on the violent video game his older brother has access to, which he knows he’s not supposed to play. Generally, as a grandma, I won’t tattle on them. But with that, I will because it’s violence.
And with what’s going on in our society? Kids are having to deal with things we would never have had to dream of in schools. We’ve all had to learn what to do in bad weather, but now you must know what to do if an intruder comes in.
Part of that might be that they’ve played these games inappropriately for them to decipher reality from that which is not. I do try to follow what the parents’ desires are in that.
Most of the time, they don’t try to take advantage of me. But there have been times when they have.
J: What is an area of your digital grandparenting you would like to improve?
S: Making sure to watch what is appropriate when our grandkids are around or just turning off the TV. I’m better than Dad is about watching what’s appropriate on the television. But even with the news—sometimes you want to be cautious with what they see. Even the news can be more than you want them to see, depending on the day.
I mean, I’ve never been one to shelter my kids. Much of this is just reality—you have to let them know about life, but you don’t want them walking around scared all the time, either.
One of our granddaughters loves to watch America’s Funniest Videos, so we try to stick to that because it makes us laugh and is positive. We also challenge ourselves to turn it off and play a game instead.
J: Finally, what advice do you have for parents when the grandparents will be caring for their kids?
S: Inform the grandparents! Show them. Build in extra time so the grandparent feels confident implementing your rules and navigating the tech in your home. Since it can be a little more foreign to us, build in the necessary safeguards, like monitoring systems, too. Really stipulate and tell them: They can get on this, but not that, etc., especially if you have them overnight.
Conclusion
Raising the next generation is a multi-generational responsibility and privilege in many families. The increase in technology and the pull toward screens has made this responsibility more challenging for every generation involved. The best approach is to exercise grace with the generation(s) above and below you, understanding that we all have different experiences and challenges with tech.
When you encounter conflict, seek to understand where your family member is coming from. Then, respectfully share your wishes and the changes you hope to see. Shying away from hard conversations will benefit no one. Coming into agreement in your mutual caregiving responsibilities surrounding your loved ones’ usage of technology is worth pursuing.
Written by: Jenna Kruse
As a speaker, writer, and mom of three, Jenna Kruse helps parents with school-aged kids overcome the frustration, fatigue, and hopelessness of parenting in the digital age so they can enjoy their kids and thrive in their role of raising the next generation to know and love Jesus. Alongside her husband, Jenna has worked with teens for over twenty years in the public school setting, the non-profit sector, and the church.
