How to decode your child’s screen time requests

“Mom, can I watch a show?” can feel straightforward, but have you ever considered that it might not be? Often, longing lurks within the request that can easily go undetected. 

Do you know your child’s need or motivation when he or she asks for screen time? 

The Real Need Behind Your Child’s Request for Screen Time

One afternoon last week, my daughter came into my home office and asked if I would throw a frisbee with her. I told her I had a little more work to do and couldn’t. She then asked if she could use her iPad while I was working. She wanted my time and attention, but it wasn’t available. 

So why does a kid ask for screen time when they really want something else?

Children gradually move away from explicitly identifying and expressing their needs. As they become more self-sufficient, we, as parents, also adjust – in our urgency and ability to recognize and respond to their requests. 

Increased Child Sufficiency Can Decrease Parental Attunement

The most challenging part of this developmental process is that it creates a natural gap between a child’s needs and our intuition to read those needs and respond. This is why it’s important that we stay attuned to our kids as they grow.

“Attunement is being aware of and responding to the emotions of another person and is the process by which we form close relationships. Children need attunement from their caregivers to feel safe and secure, which leads to a strong foundation for their overall development.”

Parent Coach, JoAnna Van Otterloo

In early developmental stages, children learn to communicate through words and actions. A baby cries, and we quickly know whether it’s time for feeding or a diaper change. As a young child, they begin to understand their feelings and might say, “I’m hungry,” which allows us to respond clearly and promptly. As they grow older, they learn to find a snack for themselves or ask, “Can I have a snack?” They’ve already identified their need and the solution and are only seeking our approval.

Our goal as caregivers is to support this journey toward self-sufficiency. Yet, in doing so, we might unknowingly lose some of our sensitivity to their underlying needs, even as they appear more independent.

Understanding the process of human need versus self-sufficiency is essential when it comes to them using screen time because of the habit they are creating.

Our child’s brain is already training them to find easy and quick solutions to problems, and without slowing down to consider the real ‘issue,’ their brains land on ‘using technology’ or ‘screentime’ as the solution. 

Context Matters

Mid-morning on Saturday, the doorbell rang. It was my daughter’s best friend, our neighbor. My daughter ran to the door, had a brief conversation, and then headed my way for what I imagined would be the ask to go and play. Instead, she came to me and said, “Mom, can I stay in for a while and watch a show this morning? My chores are all done, and I want to chill out.” 

“Of course,” I replied, understanding her desire for relaxation. I remember the joy I had as a child when Saturday morning rolled around, and I would wake up, grab a bowl of cereal, and watch my favorite cartoons for a bit before heading outside to play. 

My daughter had a spelling test the day before, which made her a bit anxious. In the days leading up to it, when she asked to go play or watch a show, her requests felt different. I could sense a bit of distraction, even some nervousness, in her tone. When I asked if she’d practiced her spelling words, she’d hesitate before replying, ‘Not yet.’”

Her motivation for choosing screen time on one occasion was different than another, and part of my role as her caregiver is to try to stay attuned to those differences so I can respond when needed. 

Here are a few reasons why your child Could Request Screen Time: 

Loneliness

We are designed to connect with others, but sometimes that option isn’t available. 

When most of a child’s time is spent on tasks, like doing school work or focusing on structure, children can feel alone and disconnected. Even though they would rather interact with another person, going to screens can emulate feeling connected to a character they know or to a storyline they feel a part of. 

Entertainment

They have some free time and are excited to watch the sequel to their favorite movie. 

The kids at school had been talking about the sequel to my daughter’s favorite Hedgehog movie, so she came home excited to watch it. The main character makes her laugh, and she’s excited to see how the story continues. 

Belonging

They long to do something together. Watching a series or playing a video game makes them feel part of something. 

Our family loves to watch singing competition shows. Sometimes, we pretend we’re auditioning, and sometimes, we sing along as a family. We make popcorn, crowd onto the sofa, and connect over our love of music. 

Avoidance

They have something unenjoyable or worrisome ahead of them, and technology could help them feel something different.

My daughter has learned 40 new words with multi-letter phonograms, and she knows they are pushing her to the edge of her abilities. Spelling isn’t the subject she is most confident in. She would rather watch something funny on her iPad than feel inadequate. 

Relaxation

They’ve worked hard for a while and want to relax.

Once her chores are done on Saturday morning, my daughter can choose how she spends the rest of her morning. Sometimes, she plays Barbies for hours, and sometimes, she chills out in her play tent to watch a few episodes of her favorite kid show. 

Genuine Curiosity

They have a specific topic that they want to learn about and are asking for screen time just on that. 

My daughter loves math. She asks us all the time to give her math problems to work out in her head. Recently we found a website that challenges her math brain. She can take quizzes that track her progress and practice the areas she needs to develop. When she comes home from school, she’ll ask, “Can I do extra math today?” 

These are only a few examples of why kids might ask for screen time.

The goal for us as parents is that we look deeper to understand the specific reasons why our children are asking so we’ll have a better chance of responding well. 

Developing Emotional Intelligence

One way to better understand what our kids might need is by helping them develop more substantial emotional intelligence (EQ). 

Just as we focus on developing our children’s intellectual intelligence (IQ) by fostering learning and growth, guiding them to understand and express their emotions can help us respond to their needs more effectively.

If my daughter had come to me and said, “Mom, I’m feeling a bit lonely and overwhelmed. Could we play frisbee together?” My response would have been very different.

If I didn’t have time to respond in the moment, I would have made an effort to circle back and connect with her. Or I would have been able to assess the importance of what I was working on to possibly pause it and respond to her first. Not all of the reasons above require a response. Some of them, like her asking to do extra math, just require a quick assessment and then approval.

It Starts With Noticing

Next time your kid asks for more screen time, try helping them articulate the underlying motivation. This can allow you to respond in a way that helps them feel more connected.

At SelfCtrl, we are working on helping you find ways to connect with your child at a deeper level, especially around areas of technology use. If this content makes you want to learn more about connecting with your kids, we’d love to hear about it. Comment on this article or share this post to help us in our mission.