I’m glad I had my phone handy.

My husband and I were recently in the Netherlands and started each morning with a trip to a familiar place for our trusted Venti Caramel Macchiatos. One morning, while waiting for our order at a table near the coffee bar, a man at the counter raised his voice. We didn’t speak the language he was using, but we didn’t have to. The unwritten communication in his tone made it clear that he was not being respectful to the person at the register. 

She tried to engage his volatility to de-escalate the situation, but his volume and gestures only increased the tension. For self-preservation, she walked away, and another barista walked over to address him. She calmed him only slightly to complete his transaction and move him along, but he was clearly still agitated, as were the rest of us. What were my husband and I doing during all this? We appreciated that we had our smartphones out to give us an obvious distraction and reason to be disengaged. 

A deeper part of me wanted to help, but the facts were clear; I didn’t speak the language, and I have enough wisdom to know that it’s not a great idea to engage in a situation where a person is behaving aggressively in a public setting. My body’s natural survival instincts defaulted to avoidance, regardless of what my heart might have felt for the girl being mistreated. The phone isn’t to blame for my lack of motivation to engage in this awkward situation; it is just an easy alibi. 

Why is it so hard to move toward these moments?  Because we are born with an instinct to survive, and when our body senses a threat that could impair that survival, we take the path of least resistance. In addition to that instinct, when things get uncomfortable, our body’s natural tendency is to self-soothe, and several studies reveal that phone usage can trigger a release of dopamine in our bodies, which gives us a feeling that we equate to happiness. Why engage in distress when we can instead give our body happy signals? The smartphone has become an easy replacement for getting involved in stressful situations.

Avoidance isn’t all bad. 

Before we get too far down a path of shaming ourselves for what is a natural instinct, it’s important to recognize that avoidance can have a healthy function. Avoidance can be a safety mechanism. When we perceive a threat, especially when we can’t control the outcome or when we anticipate that we can’t favorably navigate the events, avoidance becomes our friend. No one will criticize a person who explains that when they saw a bear on the trail, they turned around and went the other way. Consider Jesus in Luke 4: 28-30… 

“They got up, drove him (Jesus) out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him off the cliff. All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.“ (NIV)

Jesus understands that not all situations are worth engaging. Sometimes, sneaking away from an angry crowd is valuable. So the questions are: When is it okay to avoid a situation? And when should we consider moving toward a situation? 

The answers start with awareness. 

1. Pay attention to what you feel when you get uncomfortable or when you detect a threat, and see if you can label what your body is trying to tell you. 

2. Notice what your tendency is when you feel this way (threatened or uncomfortable)—you’ve already had enough experiences with this feeling that your tendency has become a trained response that happens almost immediately. 

3. Once you can identify it, label it, and recognize the natural or trained tendency, you have an opportunity to invite God into the moment. Including God in the process allows you to shift your next move from being informed by your experiences or instincts to being informed by God. Share your feelings and your tendency with God and ask Him if there is something different that He might be prompting you to do.

Where to start?

Our phones are so familiar to us that they can become our default go-to at more times than uncomfortable ones. But what might we be missing? We are created as relational beings- to connect with each other and our creator. Our habit of turning to our technology so often can get in the way of the connection we were created for. 

Can you consider your phone practices in public places? 

• Do you make eye contact with others?
• Do you engage with strangers? 
• Do you believe that you have an impact on those around you?

Consider doing this personal experiment: 

The next time you go to the store, commit to leaving your phone in your pocket or in your purse while you shop and wait in line. Make an effort to look at those around you in a welcoming and friendly way. Try engaging in a conversation with a stranger near you. Pay attention to how you feel and what messages your body might be trying to send you.

Once you are back in your vehicle, ask yourself;

How did it feel to not have your phone to look at and use? Was it uncomfortable to intentionally look at and connect with others? Was your effort of engagement received well, or was it rejected or met with hesitation? What would it be like for you to leave your phone out of relational spaces more often? 

Habits are hard to change, especially ones that help us out of difficult situations. 

This isn’t an indictment on our phone use in public; more than it is just a suggestion to consider your tendencies. If you believe that you turn to technology more than you should, this might be a great way to start making a shift to more human connections.