Preparing for Social Media: Why You Need to Understand Shame

Of all the emotions we talk to our kids about to help with their emotional intelligence, shame is the least talked about and possibly one of the most impactful on our internal view of our identity.

Shame shows up in the places where we get things wrong. It reminds us of our inadequacies and pushes on our fear of rejection and abandonment… and the messages start early.

I once heard Brené Brown, a shame researcher, tell an incredibly telling story about a kid who gets made fun of by a teacher for making a bad grade on a spelling test. She explains the different responses you will see from a child who has a shame message of not being good enough and a child who doesn’t.

Understanding Shame

A child with a solid identity who recognizes that one test does not define who they are, and who has an engaged relationship with their parent, where grace is given when mistakes are made, will come home and tell their experience to the parent for reassurance in the confidence of their identity. Kids with a secure attachment can recognize that the teacher was cruel at that moment, and the kid had a bad day on one test.

However, if the kid already has an internal shame belief that says “There’s something wrong with me,” or “I’m not good enough,” that message is reinforced by a teacher’s humiliating comments and a poor score on a test.

Shame tells us to hide.

It is highly likely that the child will never talk about this embarrassing moment with anyone and will remain alone in the negative feelings associated with their failure. They don’t share the experience of this moment to reinforce confidence in themselves; they keep it to themselves to avoid reinforcing the shame they already feel.

The best way to identify when those internal shame messages might show up is to acknowledge our inadequacies and help our kids acknowledge theirs.

Shame causes us to feel less than.

Shame exposes our fears of not being good enough, smart enough, strong enough, thin enough, rich enough, or popular enough, etc…

As children grow and learn what they are and are not good at, they will start to feel shame in the places where they fall short. We have an opportunity to help them have a secure identity by reinforcing that they have value and belonging, even though there are things they might not be good at.

Building security isn’t about dismissing the shortcomings; it’s about accepting and validating your child’s value despite them.

This is why understanding how shame works is so crucial when it comes to the impact social media can have on our kids. There has never been a more significant source of comparison than what they have access to through technology which is only compounding the negative shame messages they might have about themselves. This is where we can help them by engaging with them when they use technology.

Preparing for Social Shame

So, what can you do to help safeguard your child’s identity from the adverse effects of shame? Lay the groundwork for a healthy inner dialog.

Model for your child that mistakes do not define your identity. This means acknowledging your own mistakes, asking for forgiveness where you fall short, and giving yourself grace in your flaws and disappointments. Nothing says “it’s not OK to be flawed” more than a parent who never shows how fallible they are to their children. If my daughter hears me making comments about my weight or about my lack in a negative way, it will send her an implied message. She can subliminally begin to believe that lack is not lovable, or that lack is not acceptable.

Engage with your child in a way that lets them know that mistakes might have consequences, but they don’t impact their identity. When there’s a consequence for a behavior or a lesson that needs to be taught, it’s important to say “you made a bad choice today and there’s a consequence to that choice, but that only means you had a bad day, you’re still an amazing kid and you have an opportunity tomorrow to make choices with different consequences.” This reinforces that choices are consequential, not part of their identity. They have the capacity to make a different choice next time.

Reinforce your child’s place of belonging. In his “big six”, Adam Young identifies what kids need from their caregivers. He encourages parents to know their children well enough to recognize when something is off and stay engaged in their process. Since shame hides, it can be hard to identify. In the early stages of our child’s development, we can be tuned into minor mood adjustments, or we might have an opportunity to catch it in action if we see them fail at something. Often, just outright asking your child what they believe about themselves might reveal their view of self. You can foster a more positive self-image by telling them they’re a valuable part of the family and that their contribution matters. This will build resiliency around some of the fears associated with shame, like rejection and abandonment. By letting your child know they will not be rejected for mistakes, you build security.

How to Spot a Negative View of Self

One by product of a negative view of oneself is striving…Striving to get the highest score in that game, the most likes on a social post or comment, or to appear in a better position than those we compare ourselves to.

Usually, those striving efforts are a subconscious way we hustle to counteract the belief that we are not good enough.

“If I get the highest score, that will prove that I’m good enough.”

“If I get the most likes, that will prove that I’m good enough.”

Sometimes you can notice a difference between a child doing their best and feeling secure, versus one striving out of fear of failure, based on how they respond if they don’t do as well as they hoped. If they show feelings of disappointment that fit the moment, that is natural, and we have an opportunity to reinforce their value despite this one moment.

If the child’s response is bigger and more negative than the moment merits, often it is because their failure is tied to a deeper message, and they were using their efforts to try to counter that message. In these moments, we can help them by validating that their failure doesn’t define them and their value is tied to who they are, more than how they succeed or fail. Showing a child love and acceptance in the midst of their failures is how we build a secure attachment and counter the effects of shame.

Building a Strong Foundation

If we can send our kids a message that they are good enough, have inherent value, and belong to something greater than themselves, then we can start to prepare for and mitigate some of the negative impacts technology has on our kids.

Authored by: Angela Imhoff

Angela Imhoff is on staff at New Heights Church, serving as the Celebrate Recovery Ministry Leader. With a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy and extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Angela is passionate about helping believers consider how emotional health influences their faith. She and her husband co-host The Connecting Couples Podcast and enjoy working together to build stronger marriages in their community. They live with their daughter in Fayetteville, Arkansas.

Preparing for Social Media: Why You Need to Understand Shame

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