Navigating New Tech with Your Child: Are You Ready?

I started parenting in my mid-twenties, while most of my friends waited until their forties.  Over Fall Break, while I was barely keeping up with my teens on an 11-mile hike through the Smokies, my friend was holed up in her house within 15 feet of the commode, potty training her toddler.

Despite our vastly different circumstances, I was surprised to hear myself give the same advice to her that I have given to countless parents navigating tech choices with their older kids: With each new stage of development in your child’s life, the smoothness of the journey hinges not just on the child’s readiness for the next step, but on yours as well.

Whether you’re trying to get your toddler to poop on the potty or debating saying yes to a smartphone for your preteen, here’s the deal – if you’re not all in on the required effort of guiding your child through either of these milestones, the results could be messy.

So, how can a parent ensure they are ready to engage responsibly and confidently in introducing a child to their next tech privilege?

Here are three questions to ask yourself:

Adding a new tech privilege to your child’s current repertoire is no different from buying your child their first bicycle: there are safety measures you must set up before they get started. It would be counterintuitive to buy a bike and then plan to come back later to pick out the helmet. They’ll need protection from the very first stroll around the block.

Because the privilege of a smartphone represents benefits and potential dangers, you will need to help keep your child safe. This involves assessing which apps will provide appropriate content for their age and development and, oppositely, which ones risk introducing adult-rated content. Likewise, which apps are more addicting, tempting them to stay on the app for too long? Finally, which apps might be less threatening once parental controls are in place?

Canopy.us provides free step-by-step tutorials for setting up parental controls on almost every social media and streaming service your child is likely asking for, including TikTok, YouTube, and Netflix. Additionally, most devices offer parental controls that are native to the device. A search on the device maker’s website can help you navigate setting up controls to safeguard your child from inappropriate content or falling into the trap of limitless scrolling. 

These initial considerations and safety measures are just the beginning of your involvement in your child’s relationship with technology. Here is a non-exhaustive list of the suggested phases of parental participation in introducing a new tech privilege:

get ready: Research Phase

This is the phase where you’ll research the pros and cons of a potential tech privilege and weigh them with your child. (Notice how often I say “with” and not “for.” The older your child gets, the healthier and more appropriate it is to offer for them to be part of this process.) 

The research phase also involves researching the safeguards mentioned above that are available to a particular form of technology and how to implement them effectively.

Conversation Phase

One of the most critical steps in this process is for you and your child’s co-parent(s) to sit down and talk with your child when all parties can be focused and calm. Allow your preteen or teen to share their expectations and hopes for this new device. Then, share your own hopes and dreams for what life with this new technology will look like. This is also a time to be honest about any fears or concerns you or the child have regarding the new technology. 

Initial Set Up

Once you have decided to introduce a new form of tech, you’ll need to set up the parental controls, filters, etc. Additionally, utilize conversation to gain consensus and devise a thoughtful contract based on mutual input and respectful dialogue.

Implementation 

As your child begins using the new device privilege, you’ll be finding a balance between monitoring and mentoring (more on that in a second). Both play an essential role in this parent-child-tech relationship and will shift toward mentor-centric parenting over time.  

Maintenance 

Here, you will check in with your child often, offer accountability, and adjust the plan where needed. This will involve praising positive behaviors in your child’s relationship with technology and troubleshooting problem areas. The contract will help keep both of you accountable and ensure you assess fairly throughout the conversation. 

Helping your child have a positive online experience takes a lot of intentionality, time, and energy. As such, families should not make this decision simply because the child hits a certain age, it’s on their birthday list, or because most of their peers are getting one. Rather, they should calculate both their child’s individual readiness and their own in taking on this responsibility.

The next question you want to ask yourself before introducing a new form of tech in your home is this:

Teaching your child involves modeling. Ask yourself, do I have healthy boundaries with my phone? Do I take time to be fully present with my family?? Have I put up safeguards in my relationship with tech in areas of greater temptation or imbalance?

Get vulnerable by asking your family where they see necessary improvement in your device use. Then, be humble, admit your temptations and mistakes, and show your kids how you plan to improve. Use specific techniques that they can see you implementing in your attempt to do better. This shows you are teachable, addressing the plank in your own eye before pointing out the speck in your child’s. 

Finally,

When it comes to digital parenting, always put the relationship first. The goal is not for you to successfully monitor your kid until you are blue in the face, but for your child to, over time, develop their own internal filter and moral compass. So, ask yourself if your children feel comfortable talking with you about taboo topics. Are they able to safely admit their mistakes in your presence?

Axis Resources characterizes influential parenting as “not one big conversation, but a billion little conversations throughout a lifetime.” 

A list of dos and don’ts ought not sum up digital parenting. Instead, guiding a child through their digital experiences and giving them increased autonomy as they show readiness should be considered part of your role in discipling your child. Discipleship flourishes out of shared life-on-life experiences cultivated in love, vulnerability, and open communication.

Focus on the Long Game 

Just like your child eventually learned how to avoid accidents and do their business on the toilet, your kid will ultimately need to learn how to operate in a world centered on tech with integrity, self-control, and his own guiding principles. You cannot shelter your kids forever. They will need to become adults who can navigate and make sound decisions around their technological choices. Justin Whitmel Earley, in his book, Habits for the Household, reminds us, “Understanding that we parent in the tension between the now and the not yet reminds us that formation is a long game.” 

So, when the journey feels long and winding, and we’re tempted to give up on our intentional digital parenting practices, we must have grace for ourselves.

We will not always get it right in these interesting and challenging times that serve as the backdrop to our child-rearing. Simultaneously, we have the freedom to admit our shortcomings and the God-given authority to pave a new, better way forward. 

I’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way. (I recently discovered our Xbox had been neglected in the parental control department—proof that growth isn’t always linear). Some days will be smooth sailing; other days, we will be #smh, realizing we weren’t quite ready for the next step we’ve already implemented. 

Regardless, every challenge is a learning opportunity. Our mistakes can be used for good when we lean in relationally and navigate a better future together.

Stick with it, my friend.