Modeling Healthy Technology Use with Our Kids and Why It Matters

This weekend, I instituted a screen-free day for my kids. New year, new…KIDS, right? Wrong.

Just when I thought we had executed a decent (not perfect) first attempt at a new weekly discipline in our house, I was smacked with a heavy dose of reality. The following morning, when I checked my children’s screen time stats from the previous day, I discovered a sharp spike in screen use that coincided with the exact time I had left the house for a meeting.

Discovering my kids snuck hours of screen time behind my back felt as awful as the time in high school when my best friend made a move on my boyfriend. Total betrayal.

But here’s the thing. Pain can lead to introspection, and in this case, I began wondering why my family’s supposed “screen-free” day went wrong… how I went wrong.

So, guys, I’ll just cut to the chase. Here’s the ugly truth and the other half of the story I didn’t tell you initially: I instituted a screen-free day for my kids without mandating the same for myself. I wondered why our new practice failed, and it’s because I was unwilling to rise to the same standard I set for my kids.

Why It’s Hard

There are lots of excuses I could come up with for myself. First, my screens often symbolize work, not play. And for the record, I have been honing the practice of a weekly sabbath which affords me a break from my work every seven days. But a total and utter screen sabbath for an entire 24 hours? Nope. Hadn’t dabbled in that one yet.

Modeling healthy technology for our kids is challenging because it requires us to get honest about our own screen time habits. What does our relationship with technology look like? Not just what we think it looks like, but what would our kids say about it?

Sometimes, we don’t even have to ask them what they’d say. If we look at how our kids relate to their tech, we may find we’re looking into a mirror image of our behavior. Children often reflect the actions they see most often in us. For example, have you ever heard your child scold their younger sibling and winced, wondering, “Do I sound that ugly?”

In the case of technology, I’m often teased in our house because when I text, I have an uncanny ability to drown out almost everything else, including a “Mom…Mom…Mom!” coming from one of my children. Ironically, when the tables are turned, I get upset when my kids don’t look up from their screens when I speak to them. In this, I’ve had to wrestle with the kind of example I’m setting for my children

Am I asking more from them than I’m requiring of myself? 

Healthy Modeling 

Setting our kids up well in their relationship with technology doesn’t start with crafting a genius set of rules and plastering them on every wall in our house. In fact, a parenting strategy hyper-focused on rules, regulations, and the consequences for breaking them can negatively impact a child’s relationship with technology. Even the best parenting intentions fall flat when they’re not rooted in relational equity.

That’s because rules and regulations mean little without trust, connection, and understanding. One of the best ways to nurture this trust and connection is by practicing what we preach. The Bible emphasizes having the kind of character others are inspired to emulate. When the church in Crete needed help learning to live faithfully, Paul instructed Titus, “In everything set them an example by doing what is good” (Titus 2:7). Paul summarizes good leadership as living by example. After all, that’s what Jesus did.

The saying goes, more is caught than taught. Our kids need to be inspired. What would our attempt at a screen-free day have looked like if I had first looked my kids in the eye, explained my heart, and asked for their feedback? Then, what if I had repeated back their concerns, made adjustments, and gently reinforced the goal through clear, actionable steps? Finally, what if we had headed for the screen lock box together and I put my phone in first?

My guess is the result would have been different. It’s harder to blatantly disobey a leader who’s deeply earned your respect. 

Why It Matters

Andy Crouch in The Tech-Wise Family says of digital parenting that we need to “leave room for the hard and beautiful work of becoming wise and courageous people together.” It seems to me, he’s advocating that the digital landscape has always been something we learn to navigate together. The family circle ought to be a perfect place for us to admit our shortcomings—then to get up and try again after we fall. 

As I journaled through my messy first try at implementing a screen sabbath in our house, I identified several key factors I had left out in my efforts. I failed to create buy-in, offer choices, or be part of what we were going to do instead with our day.

Of course, disobeying your parents is an offense worthy of addressing. However, instead of reacting only with anger toward my kids, I later came to my senses to simply ask, “How could we have done this differently?” They might not be where I want them to be yet—I’m not where I want to be—but by apologizing to each other and bringing it to God, we can navigate the future with grace.

After all, our vision for healthy technology use for each family member is grounded in a bigger vision of discipling our kids toward the “full life” found in a thriving relationship with Jesus. 

So, what now?

We may all have slightly different reasons for wanting our kids to have healthy relationships with technology. Those “whys” are important because if we step back, we may discover we haven’t thoughtfully envisioned a “why” behind our own choices with technology.

We may wonder what skills, experiences, and relationships our kids will miss out on in a life saturated by tech. But what about us? Have we robbed ourselves of some of those same opportunities?

Bold examination can lead to brave changes in our lives, and the benefits are two-fold. By modeling healthy tech habits in our own lives, we empower our children to build a balanced, mindful relationship with technology—one that supports their well-being, fosters meaningful connections, and prepares them for a digitally responsible future.