Are you there for me? When Technology Gets in the Way of Connection

In 1975, Psychologist Edward Tronick conducted an experiment called the Still Face Paradigm, in which a mother and baby are face to face. After engaging with the baby, the mother shifts her face to non-responsive and expressionless. The baby notices almost immediately and begins repeated attempts to get the mother engaged again. 

The introduction of parental cell phone use and technology and the infiltration of work into the home during the 2020 pandemic multiplied the opportunity for parents to inadvertently give expressionless, non-responses to their children. When a child makes a bid for connection and does not get a response, they naturally act in a way that increases the chance of getting responded to. Unfortunately, kids don’t always know how to ask for connection vulnerably, and the behavior they pick up can look like acting out or shutting down. The response they end up getting is not the one they actually long for. 

The theory of attachment highlights the longing all humans have for connection. When we feel securely connected, we function at our designed capacity. We problem-solve better. We can be flexible in uncertainty. We have the capacity for creativity and innovation. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, says our longing asks, “A.R.E. Are you there for me?” Her A.R.E. stands for Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged. If we believe the person we need is ‘there for us,’ we feel securely connected. Our kids function at their best when they know we are A.R.E. for them.

When the connection feels threatened, and the one bidding for connection possibly believes or perceives that the other person is NOT ‘there’ or available to us, a threatened body will go into strategy mode and begin trying things to get the connection back to a place of availability and hopefully security. With all the technology in our reach, our kids can pick up a signal of ‘still face’ even if we intend to be available. 

Staying Securely Connected

Licensed Social Worker Adam Young shares six ways we can help our children feel securely connected, even in moments of brief disconnect. He calls them ‘The Big Six’.

Are you There for me?

The first three reflect the acronym in Johnson’s question, “Are you there for me?” (A.R.E.)

1. Attunement—this is how well you know your child. Are you aware of your child’s needs, and can you identify when they feel connected or disconnected?

2. Responsiveness—this is how well you recognize that your child has a need and then your motivation and desire to try and meet it. Are you able to acknowledge to your child that you see they need something and that you are there for them?

3. Engagement—this is your ability to intentionally pursue a relationship with your child over time. Are you able to show enough interest so that they feel seen and know you desire a relationship with them? 

Safety in Connection

The next three are not just about being available for your child but also about ensuring safety in your connection to them in the process. 

4. Regulation—this is your ability to regulate yourself as a parent, which confirms security in the connection with your child, even in distress. Parenting can be dysregulating. When a dysregulated child is met with a dysregulated parent, the interaction is scary and unstable for the child. This is about emotional regulation in moments of distress. It is displayed by how well you maintain composure when things are distressing. 

5. Stable—this is about being steady enough to handle your child’s emotions when they cannot control their own emotions. This is about giving your child a safe space to explore the things they are feeling. This asks, ‘Do we have the capacity to show that we are strong enough to allow them to feel what they feel?’…  instead of shutting down what they feel because their big feelings might make us feel unstable. 

6. Repair—this is about modeling a behavior we want them to learn. Our example of humility through the ability to repair sends them a message that repairs are possible when they get it wrong. This is about showing them that it’s okay not to be perfect. This is modeling apologies, showing them what it looks like to say I’m sorry, and asking for forgiveness when we get it wrong. 

Putting these six principles into effect in your parenting builds and maintains the secure connection that will set your child’s brain up for success. When children are securely connected and feel safe and secure with their caregivers, their brains can focus on learning, growing, exploring, creating, and connecting with others. When a child’s brain doesn’t feel safe and secure, it will operate in a threatened, protective mode, which doesn’t allow for creativity and learning. 

Are you Securing Connected?

To find out if you have a secure connection with your child, just ask.

I felt pretty confident that I had created a space where my 8-year-old could explore what she felt in any given moment. I asked her, “Do you feel like you are allowed to express what you feel when you feel it and that mom and dad let you feel your feelings?” She raised an eyebrow and replied, “Will I get in trouble if you don’t like my answer?” OOF!! With hesitation, already realizing it wasn’t as safe for her as I thought it was, I asked her to share.

She explained that when she has to go to bed at bedtime, sometimes she is disappointed because she wants to stay up longer, and we don’t let her be disappointed. She said that other times, she cries about something that is sad to her, and instead of being sad with her, we try to tell her she shouldn’t be sad about that. Double-oof! While I felt glad that we had created enough safety for her to tell us these things, when I dug deeper, I recognized that she was right. We have shut her feelings down when we don’t like them or when we think she should feel something different in the moment. 

Teaching her how to understand her feelings comes first from creating safety around what she feels. Then, and only then, can I explain the different things she could consider in those moments. I implemented number six by letting her know I was sorry about the times we had shut down her disappointment and sadness when she felt them, and I asked her to forgive us. 

One Step at a Time

If you are new to these, taking in all six can feel overwhelming. Consider applying SMART goals and planning for measured and attainable growth over time. Start by repairing more. You’ll be surprised how immediately you can feel connected after you tell your child that you are sorry you made a mistake that impacted them and then ask them to forgive you.