Beyond the Screen: How to Encourage Real Holiday Experiences for Your Child

The turkey is dressed; glasses clink among adult guests as they exchange warm conversation. Children’s laughter echoes as cousins dart through the kitchen, their playfulness teetering on the edge of delightful chaos. Meanwhile, your child is nestled in the corner of the couch, his face softly illuminated by the screen in his hands.

If your child has a phone, tablet, or gaming system, you may be picturing this dreaded scenario as the plight of your upcoming holiday season. If so, you’re not alone. Though holidays are a time for connecting with those most important to you, screen time threatens the culture we aim to foster during these special moments.

We all want our kids to choose presence with loved ones over escaping with screens, especially during the holidays. But how? 

What’s the goal?

Whenever we consider our desires for our children, it’s important to sift through our motives and expectations: What part of this desire is based on healthy motives or expectations, and what part is mingled with the motives or expectations of others? Once we’ve successfully separated out people-pleasing and performance-based hopes, we can get to the heart of our goal for our kids’ holiday experience. 

Spend some time answering: What do I dream the holiday experience will be like for my child? Why?

Maybe you want your son to bond with their uncle over their favorite sports team, build lifelong friendships with their cousins—the kind you wish you had, or learn how to carry on a conversation with a distant relative. These are specific outcomes of a larger goal: that your child’s holiday experience would strengthen their relationships and mature their social skills. Another worthwhile goal is watching your child deepen their understanding of the holiday’s religious significance.

Once you have identified a worthy goal unmarried from mere appearances or standards of others, it’s important to communicate this goal with your child in a two-way conversation. Ask them what their overall expectations are for the holiday break. What is their favorite part about gathering with extended family or friends? How can you help him have a fun and meaningful celebration where everyone feels connected? 

Healthy Expectations

As children enter their preteen years, a developmental shift starts: Friends take center stage in a child’s identity formation, while the crucial influence of parents and other adult family members remains active from the sidelines. It’s a delicate balance.

Parents must realize that, often, a child’s device is their lifeline to their now very important support system: their friend group. Don’t discount this. Validate your child’s desire to be with their friends. Then, help them develop an understanding of balance. It is often difficult for teenagers to keep the future in mind. Remind them that they can be fully present at the family gathering today, while the ice-skating party they scheduled affords them plenty of friend time tomorrow.

Another reason older children may struggle to engage in a holiday gathering is that they don’t know how. The splay of LEGOS on the family room floor no longer grabs their attention like it does their younger cousins. Still, every time they attempt to enter the adult conversation with their unique teenage experience, they’re brushed aside. In a sense, they may be feeling relationally homeless. Perhaps no one has taken the time to invite them into either space, and they feel alone on the bridge between childhood and adulthood.

What’s Behind It?

So, what’s behind our child’s pull to their screen? If it’s about prioritizing connection to friends, agree upon a set of guidelines before leaving for the party. Perhaps you approve a midway-through-the-night check-in with friends via text but leave doom scrolling on the “will not be tolerated” list. 

If, though, your child is finding difficulty connecting with their extended family, here are some ideas that can foster a positive experience for all:

Get them Involved

When a temptation is present in any aspect of life, it’s easier to resist if there’s something to replace it. When the temptation is to numb out on the phone during a family gathering, we can intentionally choose to replace it with something better. The focus ought not to be only on what we don’t want but on what our children can do instead. Here are some ideas for how to include your adolescent in the life of the party:

• Older children are empowered to be leaders when given the chance to exercise their newly developing leadership skills. If younger children are at the gathering, encourage your preteen or teen to lead by playing referee or reading board game rules.

• If they are comfortable, strategically insert your teen into adult conversation. When your older child comes to you at the adult table saying they’re bored, bring up a subject they are passionate about and invite them to share with their aunt what’s going on in their life related to that topic. 

• Even before the party gets started, help your growing child see that they are a valued and appreciated member of the family through their contributions. Let them take some of the gift wrapping off our shoulders, bake a dessert, pick up Grandma for you (if they are of driving age), or plan a special activity.

Note: When you offload something from your list to theirs, let them make it their own. For example, give them the opportunity to exercise their creativity in the game they plan. And don’t fret about whether they put a bow on the gift or perfectly nail the lattice on the pie crust. 

Get Creative

You don’t have to possess the creative ninja of an elementary school teacher to help shift the enthusiasm at a family gathering. A couple of intentional moves can help your kids connect and avoid screens from beginning to end of a long day with family.

If you are hosting, consider these simple but strategic swap-outs:

• Don’t pre-decorate the cookies. Instead, put frosting and sprinkles on the table and let the kids decorate the cookies together. Even though teens often want to feel grown up, they welcome isolated chances to feel like kids again.
• For younger kids, buy a few dollar-store craft kits to have lying around.
• Set up a scavenger hunt in your home or around your town. An older child could come up with the clues.
• Get out the card table and chairs and dedicate it to building a holiday-themed puzzle. Side-by-side conversation in which eye contact is unnecessary often feels more natural for a teen or preteen and can be quite effective in fostering connection. 

Even if you are not hosting, ask the person who is if you can plan an activity or two to bring to the gathering. 

Police or Let Them Handle?

You may be tempted to put on your policing hat and dig your heels in to get your way with your child’s device use around the holiday table. The better way is to engage your child in conversation before the day of the celebration. That way, it isn’t rushed or filled with anxiety or stress. 

If you created a contract with your kiddos at some point in the past addressing their digital consumption, now’s the time to review it. Do a mutual check-in and don’t assume your kids have the same ideas as you do about how the contract fits into the irregularity of the holidays.

Talk (rather than lecture) through your expectations (and theirs) for what will remain the same on the contract and what may differ over the winter break.

Don’t make this the first thing you do when they walk in the door from the bus on the last day, but by taking the time to ensure everyone’s on the same page, you can stave off at least some of the arguments and frustrations before they happen.

At the end of the day, you want your teen to connect well with their immediate and extended family over the holidays. The screen, you fear, threatens it all. But with some intentionality and creativity, your family can experience all the togetherness the holiday season has to offer.

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