One of the most common questions we receive at Selfctrl from parents is about the right age to give their child a cell phone. This question assumes that providing a phone is an inevitable step in parenting, not true, and that’s a notion we will address in a future article. However, for those preparing for the leap into the world of kids and smartphones, we’ve gathered insights from numerous conversations with God-honoring Christian parents who have navigated the teen years. Here are the top considerations distilled from these discussions.
Later Than Other Parents:
The pressure to conform to societal norms can be overwhelming, especially when it comes to technology. Today, it’s not uncommon to see 4th graders glued to their smartphones. However, our first piece of advice is to resist giving in to the “all my friends have one” plea. Peer pressure is not a decision-making framework for parents. According to Pew Research in 2022, 95% of teenagers have access to cell phones. Wanting your child to participate in societal norms is understandable, but it should not drive the decision timeline. Consider waiting until your child is emotionally and mentally prepared for the responsibility that comes with owning a phone. The longer you wait, the better equipped they will be. We also commonly hear from the teens themselves who were made to wait, that when they got their phone, they had already seen the damage it caused to their friends and they wanted to be more careful. Delay is the way.
Give Them Training Wheels:
When you do decide it’s time to introduce a smartphone to your child’s life, consider it a necessity to put safety pre-cautions in place on how to use it, akin to granting them a set of training wheels on their first bike. Open internet access is one of the most significant dangers introduced in recent decades. Discuss the addictive and predatory monetization nature of free-to-play games like Fortnite, the importance of not sharing personal information online, cybersecurity risks (including scams and sextortion), the harmful effects of pornography, and how to spot unhealthy behaviors in their use of social media.
Introducing all of this at once can be like drinking from a fire hose which is why we recommend spreading these conversations out by slowly giving your child more and more access to apps/internet through phones or any device. We also recommend that you have many of these conversations well in advance to them having their own phone because all of these issues become prevalent once they have internet access through any device. This knowledge equips them with a foundational understanding of responsible phone use and is an absolute must. If parents avoid the tough conversations today they will only have much more difficult conversations later when kids step into pitfalls.
Knowledge and safety pre-cautions are only half the battle though. Just like learning to ride a bike, kids will fall down, sometimes through a peer and no fault of their own when it comes to misusing technology. You as the parent need to be there to pick them up and train them in the way that they should go.
Some Recommendations Including the “Right Age”:
Here are some of the most successful parenting approaches we’ve witnessed.
- 16 years old – Every child’s maturity level is different but if you wait until 16, coinciding with the ability to drive, parents provide a two-year window for coaching on responsible phone usage while the child is still at home. They get to witness their peers with phones wrestle with unhealthy usage and its consequences. This is completely going against the grain and your kids will likely fight you on this and they will likely miss out on engagement with their friends who are online. Take their arguments seriously and engage with them, always explaining your decisions. This is not a hard and fast rule and the majority of parents we’ve talked to did choose an earlier age for a phone with restrictions.
- Kid Designed Phones – Many parents report starting their child earlier than 16 years old with a Gabb phone or Bark phone that offers restricted or zero internet access and gives parents heavy control and visibility into usage. This provides the means to contact your child which is frequently stated as the primary reason a parent first gave their child a phone, but it avoids many dangers of an unrestricted iPhone or Android device.
- “Family Phone” – Another approach to earlier phone introduction includes a “family” phone that kids can use only when they go places. This again solves the most common reason stated for getting a kid a phone, because the parent wants to stay in contact. A variant of this is sending a tablet with your child. This works when they are at a friend’s house, grandparent’s house, or other location with wifi. The parent can communicate with them through iMessage or other messaging apps over wifi.
- Child Pays Their Way – Have the child be responsible for purchasing their own phone and plan. This puts a natural barrier in the way due to labor laws and the child’s ability to earn enough on their own to pay for a phone.
- Respect the Age Rules – Separate from the direct phone question, but related. If your child asks to get on social media, those sites have age rules typically with a minimum of 13 years old. Use that as the basis for denying those early requests and focus on the ethics of lying and what your family stands for.
- Kids Using Parent’s Phone – Some parents let their children use their phones from time to time. This is a loophole and risk in the system. You will likely start this before you think there is much risk of your child misusing your phone, but won’t know when the right time is to educate them on serious topics. Unmonitored time with your phone may give you a nice break, but the cost in terms of impact on your child is likely more than you want to pay for that short break.
Modeling Healthy Phone Use:
Parents are the primary influencers in a child’s life. To instill healthy phone habits, it’s crucial for parents to model them. Take a hard look at your own phone usage and consider how it aligns with the values you wish to instill in your child. Lead by example in terms of setting boundaries, being present in the moment, and demonstrating a balanced relationship with technology. Your actions will have a more significant and lasting impact than any verbal or written rules you set.
As a next step, consider watching a recording of Screen Time University for Parents by Selfctrl. We do seminars at churches and schools and help you build a plan for screen time in your home.
In conclusion, the decision of when to give your child a cell phone is a nuanced one, requiring thoughtful consideration of your child’s maturity, societal pressures, and your family values under the eyes of God. By prioritizing delayed gratification, providing thorough education, involving your child in the financial aspects, and modeling healthy phone use, you can navigate this aspect of parenting with confidence and purpose.
